10 Hot Sex Tips for Straight Guys.

Okay guys, as most straight women can tell you, there is a whole lot of bad sex going on out there.

And that’s just a shame.

And it needs to change.

This continuum of bad sex goes all the way from yucky kissing (which is just kind of gross) to actions that occur without a woman’s consent (which is really, really, really bad – and it really, really, really needs to stop).

Sometimes the world’s problems can seem pretty overwhelming. Take climate change, for example. It’s hard to know even where to begin. But when it comes to changing the climate of our sexual relationships – and even just our hookups – there is a lot that we straight guys can do!

So, take a moment to read the following list, and then take these suggestions to heart. After all, women deserve to be having great sex! And so do you!

1: Obtain consent for everything you do. It all starts with consent. Consensual sex is super hot sex! And, to know whether or not you have consent, all you have to do is ask. After all, you wouldn’t drag a buddy on a fishing trip without first telling him what your intentions were! No, you would tell him what you were thinking about, and then you would ask him if he wanted to go. And if he said “No,” you would have to respect that. This same pattern applies when it comes to pursuing sexual activity with a woman!

And only when a woman’s “no” is truly respected does her saying “yes” become truly meaningful. And it has to be a “yes” that is freely given – without fear, without manipulation, without confusion, and without coercion!

Sex with a fully willing (and fully aware! and fully conscious!) partner is truly amazing! Try it – you’ll love it! And remember, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” begins with the word… Yes!

(And just like when you invite your buddy fishing, if you hear “No,” you can always go off and pursue the activity all by yourself!)

2: Respect boundaries –hers and yours! Picture this: someone wants to touch you sexually, but you don’t want that person to touch you that way. So you say “No.” But the person touches you anyway. How does that feel? It feels terrible! It feels like an assault! And that’s because it is an assault! (Actually, it can still be a sexual assault even if you didn’t say “No”! And how dare that person touch you before knowing for sure that you were okay with being touched!!!)

It feels really crappy to be in that situation. And from what several women friends have told me, that is exactly how we guys make women feel when we disregard their sexual boundaries.

And if we hear “No” from a woman, but then use pressure, force, drugs, alcohol, and/or manipulation to get her to give in, then she will most likely feel pretty crappy about that, too! And that’s a shitty thing to do to somebody else – to push her into unwanted sexual activity. So we need to stop being so damn selfish and remember that there is another human being who is involved here! And we need to remember that just because we want to do something with somebody does not mean that she wants to do it with us. And to go ahead and do it anyway is a truly evil thing to do.

And you know what? We guys have sexual boundaries, too! (And if you are not in touch with them, you need to figure out what they are – and quickly!) Just because a woman might want to have sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to have sex with her! And just because a woman likes doing a certain thing doesn’t mean that you have to like it too… or that you need to let it happen! Consent, my friends, goes both ways! As guys, we are often told that we are always supposed to be ready, willing, and able to have sex. But sometimes we just don’t want to.

Women aren’t the only ones who get headaches.

3: Take responsibility for birth control and safer sex. It is your penis. It’s your responsibility to take care of it – and to take care of your sexual partners. Bring your own condoms. And use them! Let’s make sure that our memories of our sexual encounters are all good ones! (Do you really want her to think of you as the guy who gave her that STI? Or as the guy who caused that unexpected pregnancy? Because that’s probably how she will remember you... forever. )

And if you don’t practice safer sex, you might get a little something to remember, too!

4: Consult the road map! Ask for directions! A lot of us guys think that we have to be the expert – on everything. But when it comes to female genitals, we are not the experts! We need someone to teach us. And, furthermore, every woman is different! Think that you know everything that there is to know about women’s bodies? Then take this mini quiz:

Item 1: Describe the location and function of the clitoris. (We need to know what and where this is!)

Item 2: Describe the location and function of the G spot. (We should know what and where this is!)

Item 3: Describe the location and function of the Skene’s glands. (If all goes well, there’s a chance we may also be finding out about these, too! So we want to know what they are and what it is they may do.)

Item 4: Despite whatever knowledge we think we have about female anatomy, every woman is different. Discuss.

(Hint: discuss it with her, Casanova!)

5: Do not yank on her stuff like you would your own. Her little clitoral bud has the densest clustering of nerve endings found anywhere on the surface of the human body. Act accordingly. Be a gentle man. Be a gentleman. (And listen to the lady.)

6: Celebrate the vagina! For all of the time and energy that so many straight men spend trying to get into women’s pants, you might think that they would be a little more respectful of what they find there! I am always stunned by men who express revulsion and/or contempt for women’s vaginas. The vagina is a wonderfully complex part of the female human body. But if you are one of those men who can’t find it in himself to appreciate vaginas, then do us all a favor and stay the heck away from them!

(And please stay away, too, from the people who have vaginas! Women encounter enough misogynist cultural disdain for their genitals without having to deal with your bullshit as well!)

7: Do not expect her to have “hands free” orgasms. The Hollywood “hands free” orgasm is simply not that common among women. The only reason that we tend to expect women to have orgasms during penetrative intercourse – and in the absence of any additional clitoral stimulation – is because that is what Hollywood has decided is “hot.” And actually depicting that little bit of extra attention that most women need to climax would probably mean that a film could not get a PG, PG-13, or even an R rating. So, in the interests of protecting movie industry profits, we have all been raised watching countless images of female sexual satisfaction that are, for most women, extremely inaccurate.

(And as for how female sexual pleasure is depicted in most pornography – Ha! Porn moves us from the land of the merely fictional into the realm of the utterly ridiculous! Porn does no one any favors when it comes to modeling how to be a good sexual partner to a woman!)

And, in the end, who really cares what exact form a woman’s satisfaction takes? The important thing is that the two people are finding pleasure in their sexual interaction. And if sometimes this may call for a little inspired creativity, well there’s certainly nothing wrong with that!

8: Do not expect her to have orgasms at all! Have you ever wondered if a female partner of yours has ever faked an orgasm? If not, you should. Research suggests that up to 80% of women will do so at some point in their lifetime. Why? There are two main reasons: to protect men’s egos, and to get us to finish up.

Neither of these options is about her pleasure.

We have immense cultural confusion about just who owns women’s orgasms. When a woman is approaching sexual satisfaction, a guy needs to ask himself a critical question: Whose orgasm is it? (Hint: it sure as hell ain’t yours!) And while of course it is great fun for a guy to help a woman get there, it is her pleasure. Not his. Let her get there for herself.

(Or not get there, as the case may be. While a climax is generally preferable to no climax, what is worse is a woman feeling that she has to fake one in order to make you happy.)

It is not a woman’s job to make you feel like you are a sexual super stud. It is not a woman’s job to serve up her own climaxes (real or created) at your whim. It is not a woman’s job to become just another number on your mental list of women you seduced and oh-so-easily satisfied. Good sex is a shared experience of pleasure. And making a woman feel that she has to fake an orgasm in order to please you has no place in a great sexual encounter!

And, speaking of great sexual encounters:

9: Enjoy the journey, not just the “destination.” The whole notion that sexual activity involves a “destination” is a real problem. (This is of course the same destination that we see in all those Hollywood movies: intercourse culminating in an earthshattering, simultaneous, “hands-free” orgasm.) But what about the process? What about a tender caress, a flirtatious look, a sweet whisper? A passionate kiss on the street corner? A sensual massage? Some furtive midnight skinny dipping in the hotel pool? A cozy snuggle in front of the fire? A touch here. A touch there… and there… and there. These are all wonderful parts of sexuality – and they involve a lot less panting and grunting.

Think of sexuality as going out on a date and having a multi-course meal at a wonderful restaurant! A beautifully set table. Cocktails. Stimulating conversation. Delectable appetizers. Plates of antipasti. Crisp salads. A little wine. A breathtaking smile that erupts into musical laughter. A delicious main course accompanied by succulent, glazed vegetables that – with just a couple of tender nibbles – melt so perfectly in your mouth. Your date's eyes sparkle at you from across the table and dance in the warm glow of the candles that light the room.

That’s a pretty amazing experience all by itself, even before you decide whether or not you want to have dessert.

And a lot of times you both do want dessert. But sometimes you don’t. And not wanting dessert doesn’t change the fact that the meal was fantastic, and utterly satisfying in itself.

Enjoy the entire feast, my friends, and not just the sugary sweetness you may choose to have at the end.

And, finally:

10: Do not fight about sex! I repeat, do not fight about sex. It gets you nowhere.

Relationship counselors often say that couples most often fight about kids, money, and sex. I believe this is because it is in these three areas where power must be shared and where a cooperative approach is required. And a lot of couples are just not that good at working together to solve problems.

Also, when it comes to sexuality, it is quite common for one partner to have a slightly higher sex drive, and to want to have sex more frequently than the other person does. And this can often be an area of conflict. But guess what? Fighting about it most likely will not get you there! Fighting about it will most likely not lead to sex. And if it does, then you will probably be having sex with someone who feels bullied, manipulated, guilted, or forced into it.

And that’s not much fun. Not for anyone.

And if by some off chance you still do think that having sex with someone who is not all that into it is a fun thing to do, then go back up to # 1 and read this list again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until you get it.

Because women deserve to be having great sex. And so do you.