Bullying, harassment, and other forms of violence toward gay men are an all too frequent and tragic reality in today’s society. These behaviours are a cultural hangover from our intolerant and bigoted past. Hopefully we will soon recover from this abusive history, and rid ourselves of these toxic acts.
Just as recovering from an alcohol-induced hangover can be aided by doing certain things to take care of ourselves physically, healing from this painful cultural hangover will also be greatly accelerated if we just take a moment to actively attend to it as well.
(This issue is very important – but why attend to it here, in a blog about violence against women? Because straight men’s violence against gay men is interwoven with our violence against women. The way we treat men who exist outside of the limits of traditional masculinity mirrors the ways in which we treat women. Research shows that heterosexual men who dislike gay men also typically don’t much like strong women, either. So this is a good place to attend to this issue!)
The specific element of homophobic intolerance that I would like to attend to today is a comment I so often hear men say:
“If a gay guy ever came on to me, I’d punch him in the face!”
I have heard men make this statement dozens – if not hundreds – of times. And it has always confused me. Just what is it that drives hetero men to beat their chests like gorillas whenever the topic of gay men comes up? Why do so many straight men say they would be violent if a gay man propositioned them?
Here are some plausible answers:
Because love and sex between men threatens the very foundations of male supremacy. Studies consistently show that straight men are typically more homophobic than straight women are. And Suzanne Pharr, in her book Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism, suggests that this hostility toward gay men and lesbians actually serves to reinforce the rigid gender norms that keep women in their place.
In order for male supremacy over women to endure, men must behave in one way, and women in another. Gay men and lesbians, by being romantically and sexually involved with people of the same sex, erode the rigid messages we carry about how women and men are supposed to act. Lesbians and gay men are rebels (intentionally or not) against the patriarchy. They threaten to undermine the entire sexist social system! And many heterosexual men, when feeling threatened, will, unfortunately, respond with violence.
Because they may be struggling with their own homoerotic feelings. Some research suggests that many highly homophobic men may actually be struggling with their own inner homosexual yearnings. Adams, Wright, and Lohr (1996) demonstrated that heterosexual men who were highly homophobic were also generally much more aroused sexually by depictions of gay male pornography than were their less homophobic straight male peers. It would seem that sometimes these strong homophobes may in fact be protesting just a little too much!
(This dynamic was brilliantly depicted in a recent episode of the television show Glee wherein a homophobic, bullying football player suddenly kissed the gay boy he had been tormenting.)
Because previous experiences of sexuality with other males were coercive and abusive. Approximately 1 in 4 boys is the victim of sexual abuse. The vast majority of this abuse occurs at the hands of older boys or adult men – older boys and men who typically identify as heterosexual! For some survivors, however, these traumatic past experiences make the notion sexual activity with another male – any male – terrifying. And many men, when frightened, respond with violence.
Of course violence almost never achieves anything useful –and there is absolutely no justice in targeting men who happen to be gay instead of confronting the true villains: the (typically-straight) men who molest kids!
Because men get no training in how to say “no.” When you grow up as a male in this society, you receive almost no encouragement to develop a sense of your own sexual limits. We are taught that we should take advantage of each and every sexual opportunity that presents itself. But what if this opportunity includes a potential partner (male or female) with whom we are not interested in being sexual? We should just say “No,” right? That would be ideal, but most men have never been taught how to say “no” when it comes to sex.
Whenever I hear a man say that he would hit any guy who came onto him, I am tempted to say: “Just use your words, instead of your fists!” But you can’t very well use words that you don’t have! It’s hard to respectfully say no to sex when you have no practice doing so!
Because we straight men often have no idea how to relate to each other in an intimate (but nonsexual) way. When we straight guys gather we often have difficulty knowing just how to relate to each other. We don't really "bond." We don't truly connect on any meaningful level. Instead, we talk about sports. About women. About gays. And because we have difficulty telling the difference between intimacy and sexuality, we work hard to police the limits of our interaction. A key element of the fiction that we call “male bonding” is the attempt to ensure that no one in the group is in fact gay – or, if they are – that they wouldn’t dream of hitting on you. 'Cause they'll get hit if they do.
Because we don't want to be treated the way we treat women! Let's admit it: we straight guys sometimes behave atrociously toward women when it comes to sex. We objectify them. We violate their physcial space. We ignore their boundaries. We don't take "no" for an answer. And although most gay men are very respectful, there are certainly some who are not. And we straight guys well know the sort of unpleasant antics a male might engage in when he has sex on his mind! Maybe if we loudly announce the consequences for someone coming on to us, we won't have to deal with all this male b.s.
(Imagine for a second if women adopted the policy of violence toward any man who makes an unwanted sexual advance toward them! The hospitals would be full of men – and the jails full of women!)
But how does all of this help me deal with the issue of an unwanted sexual advance from another man? What should I do if that happens?
If you are one of those few straight guys who actually does happen to get hit on by a gay guy, just take it as a compliment.
Say: “Thanks!”
And if the invitation does not intrigue you, simply say:
“But no thanks!”
WOW!